Why you don't give retards Pokemon!
by It'sKindaSadReally
Summary: Meet two tards. They wanna be trainers. Can they tackle it? Or will they have to admit defeat to a 11-year old smart bastard ?
1. Holy Zomgz You Stole My Squirtle

Disclaimer or something: Abbi and Kirsty do not own Pokemon; they don't even own a cookie jar TT But they do own themselves and any other unrecognisable tards. This story is just for fun XD

* * *

(1 Reason why you don't give retards Pokemon.)

**Chapter 1:  
**HOLY ZOMGZ YOU STOLE MY SQUIRTLE

Soft rays of sunshine caressed the cheek of a certain lazy 16-year-old girl. Her hair sprawled, like a humble spider knitting a tangled web, across her sea coloured pillow case. Her eyelids glowing from the heat of the blazing sunlight; arms swinging like a pendulum in a grandfather clock over the sides of her single sized bed. With the Psyduck bed sheet cover entangled in her long, thin thigh. Soft snoring escaping her rather generous-sized nose and plump rose coloured lips. A peaceful setting in the blissful Pallet Town!

The home of the legend **Ash Ketchum!**

XD

"Abbi... darling."

"MMM YES, I WILL MARRY YOU HUGH JACKMAN!"

"...Its time to get up my sweet-pea, the light of my life!"

"Nooo, I decline cleaning your toilets! Feel the wrath of my BFF!"

"Steven!! I think she's in a coma!"

Eyelids flicked open to reveal leaf green eyes: a strange sparkle tingled them. In two seconds she was standing on top of her bed smiling greatly at her mother's petit figure, which was now backed into the corner holding onto the door handle to keep her from landing on the musky beige carpet.

"Mother! You have awoken... you sexy fox! Today I will start my adventure as the HOTTEST MOST AMAZING Pokemon trainer that ever lived!" exclaimed the passionate teenager in her Flareon pyjamas.

"Well dear, I know I worry a lot but please be careful! Your such... a special child, I just don't know if your ready to become a Pokemon trainer. What if a Pokemon pokes your eyes out?!"

"I'll just have to kick it then, won't I?"

"You will do no such thing! See! I told you, you're not ready for this kind of journey. Maybe next year, baby?" a shivering aurora of worry emitted from the mother's concerned eyes.

"Don't be silly," Abbi jumped from her bed and leaped into the bathroom.

"If you think your ready…" the mother twirled her long brown locks with her forefinger, listening to the clanging and banging inside the bathroom.

Soon enough a smiling blonde emerged from the bathroom wearing a long checkered boyish shirt, with neon green braces attached to her black female shorts that came to her knobbly pale knees. Odd stripy socks appeared on both feet with giant black shoes shielding them from the ground, a rather boyish hat stuck on her flowing long blonde mane pf hair.

"You look so grown up!" the mother squeaked, "I know I worry and don't want you to leave pumpkin... but your father says I'm too clingy... I know he is right... I know you will be fine with Kirsty by your side... I think. Deary me, I'm welling up. I packed your Sailor Moon bag pack with everything on Professor Oak's list and extra of course! Just get down and eat your breakfast." With that the mother pulled Abbi into a bear grip hug, patted her back and watched her stumble down the staircase while weeping into her small fragile hands.

"Abbi smelleth, pancakeths!"

A horrible sight stopped Abbi in her footsteps. Her best friend: Kirsty. She was sat at the breakfast table, eating her pancakes wearing a Pikachu bib. Abbi's father was blissfully humming a cheerful tune while reading the daily paper while this crime was happening right under his nose.

"Can I ask, why there is a homeless person sat in my seat wearing a Pikachu bib while she is clearly the age of 17..."

"Abbi! I got here at half five, today we become Pokemon masters!" Kirsty exclaimed while throwing her knife accidentally into the fish tank full of Goldeen and Seaking. Kirsty instantly sat down with burning red cheeks. Abbi's father just tutted and returned to his newspaper.

"Half five does not exist in my life!" Abbi declared as she sat in the seat opposite Kirsty's huge pile of treacle-smothered pancakes. Kirsty dived her large head into the mountain of yummy pancakes.

"Well, Abbi seems as Kirsty has finally pulled up her grade average from her last test by actually revising this time, your mother has allowed you to be a Pokemon trainer now you have a company on your long tiresome journey... just remember not to talk to strangers, do not take their candy or touch their Weedle." Abbi's father muffled while smoking a large cigar from the corner of his bearded chin.

"I think me and Kirsty should go to mister Moaky Oaky's lab now before you tell me about the Pokemon paedophiles who are roaming the grass areas!" Abbi stood up, mouth bursting with pancakes, grasping a hold of her Sailor Moon backpack and grasping a hold of Kirsty's plump hand.

"I haven't finished my pancakes yet!" wailed Kirsty.

"I think you should be more worried about what you're wearing... 'AshxMisty 4eva, fo shizzle' ...do you want us to get beaten up before we receive our Pokemon!?"

"Ash x Misty love!!" sang a heartfelt 17-year-old brunette, who was wearing a picture of Ash Ketchum in his glory days encircled with loves heart towards a orange haired water Pokemon master called Misty.

Abbi instantly slapped her hand to head while dragging Kirsty to her front door.

"Bye Dad! Bye Mother! When you see me next I'll be on the road to Viridian City!" sang a cheerful retard and her faithful dog-like companion.

xD

"They're finally getting their Pokemon!" Professor Gary Oak exclaimed with glee, "Its about time them two got their Pokemon! Over-protective parent and pure laziness has been banished from their bones nowadays!"

Gary Oak awaited the arrival of the three new trainers to gain their starter Pokemon. In glee Gary Oak's body jumped with happiness. This was his favourite part of his job, handing fresh Pokemon to beady, bright-eyed, dreaming trainers hoping for their Pokemon dreams to be realistic! He hoped deep within his heart that all of the trainers in the world dreams would come true, much like his own.

With that a tumbling brunette in bright yellow tights and 'AshxMisty' top landed on his clean polished floor, sprawled with her pink converse hanging off each big toe. Hair hung high in a karate-judo ponytail complete with a pink hair band.

"Hello, Kirsty... I see you fell over my Geodude again," Professor Oak calmly explained.

"I think Kirsty's Pokemon should be a Snorlax... I could let it wear a wig and use it as a bouncy castle and put Kirsty in a Pokeball," Abbi smiled a dangerous smile while walking into Professor Oak's lab.

"Well nice to see both of you two again... I guess your scores have improved Kirsty? Revise this time?"

"Naa... I just cheated… I'm sick of all this Jesus guy in maths or something... I was too busy reading the Oddish Adventures Of Oddish!" slowly Kirsty picked her body off the floor and dusted her prized t-shirt of Ash and Misty then sorted her Gloom backpack.

"Next she will be reading... Prancing with Pikachu or Paedophiling on Poliwag," Abbi grinned flopping on Oak's sofa and helping herself to the basket full to the brim of homemade chewy chocolate chip cookies. Kirsty filled her pockets full of these delicious treats!

"I think I'll bring up the Pokemon from the lab... seems as last time somebody set every single Pokemon free and stamped AshxMisty on each of their backs and tried to get them to fly all over the world, even though some can't fly! To spread the love to each human about this 'lovely couple that should be idolised'" Oak gave a stern look to both girls. "You both do know, myself and Ash used to be rivals?" Gary Oak boasted slightly in a smug way.

"Of course and I don't care! Ash Tomatosauce can go to hell for all I care!" Abbi chomped on a cookie.

"Don't say that! It's against my religion!" Kirsty squeaked pouncing on the weak looking Abbi.

Oak shook his head and descended into his lab muttering 'Teenagers'"

Once Oak had disappeared into the lab a small 11-year-old boy with long wavy green hair slammed open the door to reveal Kirsty and Abbi rolling on the sofa, arguing over a Pallet Town Legend. His sky blue eyes burst open in surprise then narrowed at the two retards still trying to chomp on cookies while pulling at each others facial features.

"Hello! Is Professor Oak home? I'm here to collect my Pokemon," the boy declared marching over to the sofa backpack swung on his left shoulder and his right hand in his camouflage pants.

"Hello this is the Pallet Town rehab clinic, please get out of my home before I call the soap dodgers," Abbi mumbled as Kirsty squished her large bum cheeks into her face. She was still scoffing the rest of the home-made cookies.

"Please tell me, your not here to get your starter Pokemon!? You should be picking up your pension by now!" the boy roared, "I mean come on... aren't you two a little old for pokemoning?!"

The boy wafted his silk smooth green hair away from his sky blue eyes and adjusted his black leather jacket, tightening around his waist letting a small part of his white under shirt poke through.

"I'm Wolbert... I'm the smartest kid in my whole school... in fact I rather believe I'm a genius if I do say so myself... you old retards!" Wolbert burst out in childish giggles.

"He seems nice!" Kirsty smiled wiping crumbs from her mouth. Abbi's face turned beetroot red as she fumbled for the nearest object to hit the little bastard with while trying to get Kirsty off her face.

"Well! I have the three starter Pokemon. Right here," Professor Oak placed three average sized Pokeballs on the table and beckoned all three trainers towards the stylish metal table. "I see you have all met! I hope you all get along quite well!" Oak smiled a gentle smile, a smile once worn by his grandfather many a year ago.

"Oh yes... me and Wolbert here... are the best of buds aren't we, Scab?" Abbi glared ruffling up his silk smooth mane of hair with her long fingers, "Aren't you just the cutest little thing!" Wolbert glared and crossed his arms in disgust.

"Professor, why are these grave dodgers here? Shouldn't they have started their journey agessssssss ago?" Wolbert smirk, "Doesn't the handbook say that all trainers start at 11 or something... I haven't read it for quite a while. I bet these two ugly ducklings, don't even own one!"

"True." Kirsty muttered placing a chubby finger to her cute button nose.

Abbi gritted her teeth together, glared dagger into Wolberts 5ft 2 frame compared to her 5ft 10 lean figure.

"Wolbert... their was some family issues for these two... so anyway which Pokemon do all three of you wish to choose?" Professor Oak smiled, "We have Bulbsaur, the grass type! A great company for that lone trainer! Charmander, the fire type! For more of the trainer looking for a welcoming challenge. Last, but certainly not least, Squirtle the water Pokemon, a very bubbly personality for any type of trainer! Now which would you all like to become your partner that will take you all through your Pokemon journey!"

"Squirtle!" all three trainers shouted towards the Professor.

"We may have a problem…" Professor Gary Oak wiped his brow.

O.O

All three trainers faced each other, eyes piercing each other with determined looks. Professor Oak watched carefully trying how to decide which trainer would gain the Pokemon Squirtle.

"I'm in love with water Pokemon!" growled Abbi, "I want Squirtle! Its all like blue and happy and bubbly like my personality."

"Abbi... you get moody about me picking my nose and eating it… so I think I should be the one who had the most in common with this quirky, happy little Squirtle," Kirsty smiled, "also Ash owned a squirtle once…"

"He also owned a disobeying Charmander and boring Bulbsaur! You don't know much about your idol, do you freak? Also Squirtle would be better on my team with it's powerful water attacks! I can't wait for it to evolve it into a Blastoise with that HUGE hydropump!" Wolbert smirked.

"You say I don't love my idols enough!?" Kirsty shuck her fist into the 11 year olds face.

"WAIT!" Professor Oak yelled, "How about you draw for your Pokemon? Its more fair that way… then all three of you have a one in three chance!" Professor Oak appeared with a small black bag and placed a three Pokeballs into it. Shook it up slightly.

"Well I guess we don't have a choice, do we!" Wolbert glared, "Stupid old folk".

"I'm not old! I'm beautiful! Like a never dieing rose flower!" smiled Abbi winking at the boy. Wolbert shook with fear in every bone in his body.

"Your one scary lady..." Wolbert whispered to himself.

"Wolbert! You choose first, seen as your the youngest," Professor Oak smirked opening the bag in front of Wolbert's sun kiss brown face.

Wolbert shrugged, placed a grubby hand into the bag and pulled out a Pokeball.

Abbi tutted placed a slender hand into the bag and pulled out a Pokeball.

Kirsty whistled, placed a chubby hand into the bag and pulled out a Pokeball.

With that all three Pokeballs opened and all three Pokemon zapped from their Pokeball. All three blinking baby Pokemon laid at their master's legs with quizzical looks on their faces, tilting their heads at the world around them.

"Their very young Pokemon... please take good care of each of them and give them the love they deserve and need to survive, then in return they will fight for your own Pokemon dreams!" Gary whispered to each of the trainers.

"Well... your a bit of a boring Pokemon... with a giant green hump, but you will do," Wolbert smiled stroking his moaning Bulbasaur lightly on his head. Bulbasaur pushed his head against the small trainers petite hands, showing a deep affection already for it's owner.  
"Bulba!" responded the Bulbasaur.

"I'll name you, Benny Bulba," smirked Wolbert, "catchy, isn't it Oak?"

"Very." responded Gary with an eerie happiness and pride in his response.

"WOW!" shrieked Kirsty swinging her Squirtle into her arms, "Your perfect! Look at your amazing beady black eyes! They're like chocolate drops, I wanna eat them all up!" Kirsty cuddled the Squirtle into her chest, lightly kissing his bald blue head.

"Squirt!" squeaked the Squirtle with excitement.

"Your name will be Ash and you will be my squishy! And I will love you forever!" giggled Kirsty.

"Well this... was unexpected!" whimpered Abbi as her Charmander clung to her leg wagging its flame high in the air with delight, "I think it might want to hump my leg!" squeaked Abbi.

"I think I'll call you... Humpy!" laughed Abbi.

"Do you think that's... a good name, Abbi?" Professor Oak questioned worriedly.

"Of course! Look at him!" with that Abbi cuddled the Charmander into her open arms "I guess, mine will be the most troublesome then?"

"Suits her personality…" Kirsty whispered towards Ash.

xP

Professor Oak watched from his front window as all three trainers set out on their adventures. Bulbasaur clung in Wolberts arms, nuzzling the youngest trainers chest with instant Pokemon love.

"I think that partnership will blossom beautifully like mine and Eevee's did."

Squirtle held onto Kirsty's hand, bubbling with excitement and glee over the personality match with each.

"They seem like twins to me," laughed Oak.

Whereas Charmander clung onto Abbi's leg wailing happily as Abbi tried to shake the Pokemon off.

"Well... I think that relationship needs to be watched."

With that Professor Oak settled into his faithful armchair and watched as his old friend Umbreon pranced onto his lap, purring with pleasure as Gary scratched the back of the dog-like Pokemon's ears. "I feel old Umbreon... I'm handing down more Pokemon than ever to millions of generations... I remember when I was better than Ash as well Umbreon. Can you remember, back when you was a cute little Eevee?" the Pokemon nodded in response. "Now he has a fame and fortune with his wife, Misty and his newborn baby... I don't think I would change my life, expect for maybe getting a few more cute girls like back in the old days! With them lovely blue pom-poms… I miss the pom-poms!" sighed Oak.

OoOoOoO

All three Pokemon trainers stopped at the exit of Pallet Town, turned back to grasp a final look of their home town that held many precious memories; from bad nightmares to special surprised birthday parties. Wolbert sighed and glared towards the two older female trainers.

"You! The plump one! You stole my Squirtle!" yelled the small boy, still grasping Benny his newfound Bulbasaur, "I wish for a trade, right here, right now!"

"Nooo! Its my little squishy... you shall never get your non-AshxMisty believer hands on my little Ashie-poo!" cooed Kirsty besotted with this little blue fella.

"Come on, back at the lab you was all for your little Bulba…" Abbi interrupted.

"I had to put on a stupid act didn't I? For that old professor's sake! Look I just want a Squirtle... that's all, it was a boyhood dream to fight beside a worthy partner like Squirtle. This Bulbasaur might never live up to my standard of power."

"Saur," Benny blinked unable to understand the argument, but cuddled closer towards its owner, smelling his lavender scent with delight.

"Look, your Pokemon is smitten with you!? Can you not understand it's feelings... It might just be a baby Pokemon, but its just willy nilly trying to trade your Pokemon when it so clearly happy with you already, should be a Pokemon crime!" Kirsty yelled tightening her grip on the paw of Squirtle who yelped in reaction.

Abbi just sighed as both trainers began to bicker uncontrollably over the newborn Squirtle. Suddenly, Abbi wiped her neck towards the exit road of Pallet Town, catching two strange looking trainers watching the heated argument as well. Their bodies cloaked in darkness, their eyes steering towards them, cold-snake like eyes watching its newly found prey. Abbi shivered at the eeriness of the trainers.

"Char! Char!" Charmander squeaked pointing towards the figures, "Char! Char!" showing the how worried the Charmander was.

"I agree, Humpy they look EVIL!" Abbi declared towards the small dinosaur, "But we better not challenge them for a fight. We might get our butt's kicketh and my bum is too precious for anyone to touch. Have you two stopped?"

"Doesn't matter anyway, Kirsty! I'll be a better Pokemon trainer than you. I'm clearly already the smarter Pokemon trainer." with that Wolbert smirked building up a spring in his black army boots as he jetted off towards his first gym battle. Abbi bit her lip as he raced off down the rocky rumbled road towards his dreams to find the cloaked figures had disappeared from view.

"Abbi, he was so like 'HOLY ZOMGZ YOU STOLE MY SQUIRTLE!'" Kirsty exclaimed flinging her arms wildly around, "I bet he just wants these Pokemon to battle with, not actually to care for them. Couldn't you see how much his Bulbasaur already loved him?"

"Yeah... I could," Abbi whispered towards Kirsty, "Are we ready? To leave this town forever and set off towards our dreams? Do you think it will be hard?"

Humpy clung onto Abbi's bare pale leg, squeezing in reassurance.

"Of course it will! But we can do it together!" yelled Kirsty punching the sky with her fist, clamping her hand around Abbi's hand and speeding off towards the distance with Squirtle and Charmander close on their heels, smiling happily.

**"Holy Zomgz you stole my Squirtle"** laughed Abbi "Your such a retard... no wonder your family left you in a bush!"

* * *

**The end of this chapter xD  
Abbi: I like green eggs and ham, Sam!  
Kirsty: OMG I LOVE MY SQUIRTLE glomps  
Abbi: Yes, I hope it bites you.  
Kirsty: Jealous.  
Abbi: Fag.**


	2. You Had To Throw A Rock!

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(2 Reasons why you don't give retards Pokemon)

Disclaimer: I like cake but do not own Pokemon. Please pray that one day I will.

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Chapter 2:  
You had to throw a rock!

XD

Trembling trees swayed dreamily in the light gust of wind that swayed the branches and flapped the tiny leaves. Grass soft with morning dew; Pokemon frolicking in the wild, peacefully communicating with fellow Pokemon of their own kind. Smooth stones scattered across the whole of route 1. A sandy path laid right in the center to guide wide-eyed dreamed filled trainers to their destiny.

A thundering of footsteps interrupted the silence as two panting females ran across the sandy path leaving a sandstorm behind their heels. Both breathless, yet running for their life as thirty two Spearrow squawked angrily in the deep blue sky aiming to kill.

"WE'RE BOTH GOING TO DIE!" screamed Kirsty grasping for left over cookie in her pockets.

**xD**

"Why did you throw the rock!?"

"I didn't know their was any Pokemon there!"

"Of course you did!"

"Well... it looked all ugly."

"Its looked all UGLY!? That is not an invitation to throw a huge brick at a bird-Pokemon's face! How many of them are there!?" asked Kirsty frantically.

"Two."

"You cannot count to save your life! I'm so glad I'm religious and will go to the heaven in the sky with Jesus and many other men... some might even look like Ash Ketchum! Maybe I should let them Spearrow peck my brains out?"

"Who said you have any brains, dipshit!"

"You're spoiling my head with ugly language from the devil!"

"I spit on your God... now I think we might have to fight them."

Carefully Abbi turned a tight corner. Kirsty close by with Ash screaming in her arms from the danger they were all facing, whereas Humpy was clearly humping Abbi's leg and clinging onto it for dear life as they started to slow down.

"I'm thinking I shouldn't have ate three stacks of pancakes, fourteen chocolate bars and half a basket of cookies…" squeaked Kirsty turning a freakishly green colour.

Abbi stopped suddenly and gazed towards the flock of Spearrow staring them up and down. Kirsty dived her head into a bush vomiting on a family of sleeping Rattata. Each Rattata was drenched in pancake sauce and chocolate fluid.

"Humpy, I think me and you have to start humping!" Abbi declared pointing her finger towards the Spearrow, "Kirsty! I think our only choice is to fight these demons of the grass! Smack 'em with some more rocks! And burn their ass's, right Humpy?"

"Char!" Humpy unlocked it's arms from around Abbi's leg pointed towards the on coming Spearrows and thrust his hips towards the flock. The flock squawked, freaked by the acts of the small Charmander causing some of the flock to faint.

Humpy clapped in delight at the fainted Spearrow.

"Wow, my Charmander knows thrust attack!"

"Abbi!" Kirsty squeaked running and clinging onto Abbi, "I just thrown up on a family of Rattata and their realllllllllllllllllllllllll angry at me!"

"Look! We have to attack right now! Humpy, jump on that tree branch and burn them bitches to hell!" yelled Abbi.

Humpy nodded jumped onto the lowest branch on the nearest tree, twirled towards the diving Spearrow all aiming their attacks at Humpy. Humpy opened his small mouth to let erupt a large ember towards the first three Spearrow to reach his firing zone. Instantly the Spearrows fell to the ground; burnt, smoldering from the flames of the small dinosaur. Humpy yelped in happiness, just as four on coming Spearrows pecked Humpy right in the stomach, winding the small Pokemon as it fell out of the tree into a pile of fallen dirty leaves.

Like bullet from a gun each of the remaining Spearrow fired fast swift moves to the battered Charmander lying helplessly in the leaves.

"Umm… yeah… my moneys on the Spearrow!" Kirsty crunched on popcorn, "Woo kick dat Charmander's butt!"

"What the hell?! Whose side are you on?! And where'd you get the popcorn?!"

" Oh yeah! Ash, smash them Spearrow with Tackle!" Kirsty called while spitting out chewed up popcorn.

Ash jumped onto his owner's shoulder, springing off her shoulder into the middle of sky, tackling three Spearrow in a row with its hard head just as they were readying themselves for a second wave on the weakened Charmander.

"Ash! Bubble them non-bible worshipers!"

Just as Ash readied for a bubble attack; gravity took a toll as he began to crash towards the ground still aiming his attack at the enemy and letting rip a thin line of dangerous bubbles into four Spearrow's backs. Kirsty rushed towards the falling Squirtle, waving her arms frantically in the air to catch her partner.

"I have you Ash!"

Ash crashed to the ground. Right next to Kirsty's stretched figure ready to catch him in her loving arms. She had missed by 10 centimeters.

"Oops," Kirsty whispered helping her Pokemon to it's feet while it began to rant to her about her lack of co-ordination.

"Humpy!" squeaked Abbi cradling the fainted Pokemon in her arms. It's tail flame dimming slightly, "stupid Spearrow!"

The remaining Spearrows encircled Abbi and Humpy's limp figure on the ground: squawking angrily at Abbi. Flapping their wings high in the air to show their anger at the certain blonde trainer.

"Erm... Kirsty… I think I might die here! A little help?" screamed Abbi at Kirsty's figure, "Hurry now!"

"Huh? Oh yeah! Ash! No time to discuss my clumsy soul: bubble the rest!"

Ash nodded. Charging towards the circle of Spearows blasting bubbles from it's circle shaped mouth, watching as each Spearrow began to fall: except one which dodged this powerful attack. The last Spearow sent a peck towards Ash, who just in the nick of time jumped in the air and landed on it's back. Riding the Spearow like a horse.

"Ash, you're such a clever little Pokemon!" Kirsty cooed, watching Ash pull on the Spearows feathers like a horse rider grasping the horse's mane to keep on it's stern back.

"Squirt! Squirt!" Ash panicked, "SQUIRTLE!" shrieked as the Spearow took flight into the sky.

"O M G. That Spearow just jacked your Squirtle!" laughed Abbi returning Humpy to it's Pokeball.

"Abbi! What is my baby Ashie gonna do! Look at him he is pooing in his shiny little shell!" Kirsty gripped a hold of the nearest branch yanking it from the oldest oak tree on the route; making it brittle and easy to pull off.

"Please tell me your gonna use that as a Javelin," Abbi prayed.

"No way! Not with my aim."

Kirsty gave a large run up towards two nearly touching rocks, jabbing the end of the tree branch into the tiny tight gap to steady the branch as she launched her whole body into the air with one hand clutching the other end of the branch, while the other flapped around trying to grasp her Squirtle from the fearsome Spearow. She had just pole-vaulted into the sky; tasting the purest air and leeching onto the shell of her Pokemon and pulling Ash deep into her breast as the Spearow sped off into the distance.

"I don't believe, she pole-vaulted using a tree branch, I'm waiting for it to snap," Abbi smirked as Kirsty stay stationary in the air clutching onto the branch with one hand and Ash's shell with the other.

"ABBIIIIIIIIIII. I'M STUCK. HELP ME. I'M GONNA DIE. AGAIN. OH MY POKEMON. OH MY POKEMON. I'LL BE LIKE A GIANT PANCAKE ON THIS ROUTE; THEY WILL MAKE A SITE OUT OF MY DEAD BODY! THEY WILL CALL IT THE LARGEST PANCAKE IN THE WORLD AND ROLL ME IN SYRUP. I wouldn't mind being rolled in syrup naked... BUT HELP ME!" roared Kirsty panic in her chocolate brown eyes.

"I'll just wait until the branch snaps," called Abbi, "I'll catch you with my man strength." Abbi struck a mainly pose that resembled a Machoke flexing.

Soon as the words left Abbi's plump lips the branch snapped. Abbi watched as the branch snapped into two with Kirsty and her Squirtle tumbling from the branch onto the sandy soft path with a loud crash; sending an earthquake into Abbi's figure.

"Squirtttt," Squirtle eeped muffled by Kirsty's body.

"It's ok! I'm alright!" Kirsty smiled pulling a fainted Squirtle from under her body, "Sorry Ash, I'm such a terrible person, in the next town I'll buy you a nice bar of chocolate, yes?" reaching for her her Pokeball and returning the poor Pokemon.

"Kirsty… I wouldn't look now… but there is a green Rattata behind you bearing it's large fangs."

"OOOO A SHINEY?" Kirsty answered gleefully.

"Nope. I think it was one of the Rattata family you puked on? Ooo I hope he bites you real good!"

With that Rattata pierced his large fang into Kirsty's large rear causing Kirsty to let out a deafening scream from her large pie hole. The Rattata clung on for dear life with Kirsty running around crazily trying to shake off the rat Pokemon dripping with her own vomit.

"Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!"

"Don't move!"

"Okay," wept Kirsty stopping in her tracks.

Abbi grabbed the broken branch into both of her tiny baby-like hands.

"Woahhh! That Rattata looks like a fly compared to your huge ass!" Abbi snickered while smacking the branch onto Kirsty's ass repeatedly.

"OW OW OW OW!" Kirsty yelped after every strike hit her ass or the Rattata's small body.

"This should be a sport!" smirked Abbi, "I would win gold! Smacking your BBF with a stick! What a wonderful pass time!"

Soon after that the Rattata let go of Kirsty's behind and scampered off with a few bruises and scratches from the branch.

"Abbi... I think the Rattata has gone! So you can stop spanking my butt now!" chirped Kirsty, "We need to go to the Pokemon center!"

"Okay! Just one more hit," Abbi swung the branch onto the top of Kirsty's head, "Right, lets go! TO VIRIDIAN CITY!" on that word Abbi sped off down the last of Route 1 with Kirsty stumbling behind rubbing her head.

"I wish I had a boy companion... we could get raunchy…"

oOoOoOoO

Abbi twiddled her thumbs absentmindedly waiting for her dear Humpy to be healed by Nurse Joy. Nurse Joy simply smiled at the two new trainers in her center both waiting quiet patiently for their Pokemon.

"Would you both like a drink?" Nurse Joy asked politely, " A biscuit, maybe?"

"Biscuits? What kind of biscuits?" quizzed Kirsty, "If their edible I'll have the packet!"

"How about you?"

"I rather have a nice warm bath with Hugh Jackman washing my back with a spongy sponge while watching a fat man eat a chocolate bar. You got that on ya, Nursey?" Abbi raised an eyebrow sarcastically.

"Erm… sorry no, but I'll get them biscuits. I'm sure both of your Pokemon will be healed in a few minutes," Joy smiled walking away towards the back.

The Pokemon center was scattered with beady-eyed young trainers waiting for their Pokemon to be healed. All were nervous for their partner, hoping that their mistake didn't cost them their Pokemon's life. The smell of the center was fresh. Fresh like the trees on route one. The wallpaper stainless red and a warm fire red much like a Charmander's tail flame. Warm and welcome. Not dangerous and fearsome. Nurses were rushing around with Pokeballs in their arms handing them to certain trainers whose faces raised into large smiles and thanks once the Pokeball was in their grubby hands once again. The floor shiny stainless and squeaky on your step.

"Where is that nurse with my biscuits!" Kirsty shook her fists in the air.

"Calm down King Kong."

Kirsty growled in response.

"WELL IF IT ISN'T THE RETARDS."

"Oh look Abbi! Its Wolbert!" Kirsty pointed to the petite boy walking over towards them. Benny was rubbing against his leg as he began to walk. His eyes sneering and looking them up and down like a Pokemon seizing up its competition.

"You both look terrible. How much dirt can you get on you in a day? I only left you a few hours ago! I bet you both haven't caught another Pokemon yet have you?" sneered Wolbert, "I have caught two! I'm just getting them healed so we can head into the large forest north of this town."

"Omg. Wolbert look! A mew!" Abbi cooed pointing behind him; Wolbert twisted his body around his eyes searching each crack of the Pokemon Center.

"You looked you silly little boy," laughed Abbi once Wolbert's face was facing Abbi; Abbi struck his nose with a large flick making his nose jiggle up and down from his face.

"OW! That hurt!"

"She is a very very very violent youth; isn't she?"

"Excuse me, I have your Pokemon," Nurse Joy smiled handing Abbi and Kirsty both their Pokeballs with glee. Abbi cracked a smiled while releasing Humpy. Kirsty cuddled the Pokeball and kissed it lightly releasing Ash.

Humpy yawned and thrust his hips towards Nurse Joy winking at her.

"Well isn't your Charmander charming," Nurse Joy answered nervously while walking away. "Please come again," she called over her shoulder.

"Does she want us to hurt our Pokemon?"

"Probably… sick bitch. I cannot stand Nurse Joys. My father said they're the most annoying people in this world and if he had his way he would eliminate them off the face of this earth," Wolbert smugly, "One day I'll become like my Dad; even better."

"Who is your Dad Wolbert?" Kirsty asked; cuddling Ash into her stomach.

"Desmond Sneeze."

Laughter slipped from Abbi's and Kirsty's lips their Pokemon joining in after them.

"You're a good Pokemon Humpy! You laugh at that nob!"

"Mmmm. You won't be laughing when I'm the better Pokemon trainer than both of you put together. I have to go; business calls," Wolbert smirked marching over towards the desk counter demanding to know where his Pokemon were.

"Let's spilt like a banana."

"Sure thing... AshxMisty..4eva PEOPLE!" Kirsty called when exiting the comfortable Pokemon hospital.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Abbi gazed at the beauty of the town of Viridian. Her eyes spun in excitement from the amount of colour that was exposed in this small silent town. The flowers swayed in tune with the deep breezes from the north. Pokemon danced and pranced around their trainer's legs; happy to be with someone they loved and trusted. Towering buildings separated all along the small town holding trainer's worried Mothers and lazy Fathers, inspired younger siblings and crazy grandparents who were once great in their time.

Abbi's eye landed on a straw hatted youth. Her eyes were drawn to the nifty gadget held in his small hands. He was laughing at his dancing Weedle while gazing at a small pocket-sized device that was covered in bright red paint.

Side stepping behind the small boy, peering over his fragile shoulder looking at the small picture of a Weedle, centered in the middle of the gadget, robotic voice spilling out information about the small bug Pokemon.

"Erm... Miss, can I help you? You're kinda dribbling on my neck..."

"Yes you can nerd boy! What is that device in your little hands!" quizzed Abbi.

"A Pokedex. Haven't you got one? I got mine two years ago when I became a Pokemon trainer!" squeaked the boy, "shouldn't you have one, miss? Or have you only just started your journey? But aren't you a little old to be a new trainer..."

"Shuddap child! Only speak your mind when I tell you too! What does it do this Pokedex?"

"Your not very smart are you, Miss? Pokedexs tell you about any Pokemon you come across on your journey, they also log the data into the frame of it, recording how many Pokemon you have seen and caught."

"I'm incredibly smart, child! How much for this nifty little thing?"

"I couldn't possibly sell this miss! It will help me to my dream of being a Pokemon poo inspector. It will help me on my journey to find and identify all types of Pokemon poo in the whole world! I might write a book about all Pokemon poo!"

"Yes... well... I'll give you my BFF for that thing."

"Hey!" cried Kirsty, "Don't you love me anymore?"

"Deal! She is very hunky!" blushed the boy, smitten by Kirsty's ape like features.

"Please! No!" Kirsty cried.

"How about a kiss from your perfect lips my beauty and throw in one of them lovely t-shirts about my favorite Pokemon-shipping!" smiled the boy showing his pearly whites.

"ZOMGZ YOU LOVE ASHXMISTY?!" screamed Kirsty fan girlishly, "Lets get married!"

"Miss! Please calm down."

"We could be the new AshxMisty couple!" Kirsty grasped the boys hands into her's, squeezing the brown tanned skin against her own ivory coloured skin.

"I'm only 12!" squeaked the pre-puberty voice, his Weedle nodded worriedly as a giant Squirtle winked towards the defenseless female Weedle.

"The younger the better I say!"

Ash wiggled his small paws towards the Weedle clasping onto the females sharp pointed spike on top of her head. Pulling her cheek against Ash's cheek rubbing it gently in a romantic way.

"Miss, your Squirtle is sexually harassing my Weedle!"

"You'll have to get rid of that straw hat! Its sick looking! Get an Ash Ketchum hat, I'll dye my hair orange and we will be perfect for one another!" sighed Kirsty dreamily rubbing his chubby fingers against her soft skin.

"Miss, now you're sexually harassing me! And I'm keeping my hat!"

"If you had a hat like Ash's you could leave your hat on," winked Kirsty.

The small child sprung back like his body had been struck by lighting or had received a nasty shock. Pulling his Weedle away from the snuggling Squirtle who was trying to pull the resisting Weedle into his shell, dropping his Pokedex in the progress while disappearing into the distance of the Viridian forest.

"My love!" squeaked Kirsty stretching her plump arms into the direction of the Viridian, "Me and him could of made illegal babies together!"

"Squirt," sighed Ash obviously disappointed about the Weedle he had lost in the process, earning a swift slap from Humpy's aflame tail.

"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... or something poetic like that?" Abbi patted Kirsty's back while picking up the dropped Pokedex, " nice work. We have a Pokedex for free."

"At the cost of my heart being ripped into two!" wailed Kirsty falling to her knees dirtying her yellow tights and collapsing into her Squritle's short arms, letting him rub her back gentling equally upset about his future bride: the Weedle.

"So where is the reset button on this thing?" as Abbi scanned the pocket sized Pokemon computer.

"Char!" Humpy jumped onto Abbi's shoulder gazing at the Pokedex in puzzlement.

"Abbi! Kirsty!" Professor Oak called waving his arms frantically in the air running towards the two teenagers, "I thought I would miss you both! I just saw Wolbert heading into the Viridian forest and he said you were near the Pokemon Center; I have been searching for ages! I forgot to give you both your Pokeballs! I gave Wolbert his hours ago... what took you both so long to get here?"

"Spearows aren't very nice…" Abbi shivered.

"Neither are Rattatas…" Kirsty rubbed her sore backside remember the teeth sinking into her skin.

Oak fumbled in his pockets and produced ten Pokeballs in his hand placing them in Abbi's free hand. Abbi threw Kirsty's five to the ground as she recoiled from embracing her Squirtle for comfort and placed the Pokeballs in her bag; sniffling and pulling herself up and dusting her yellow tights from dust and dirt.

"Heart break is a lonely thing isn't it Squirtle?" sniffed Kirsty as she broke out into song accompanied by her Squirtled version of "Squirt."

"Should I ask?" a worried Oak raised his eyebrows.

"You shouldn't." Abbi shook her head stuffing the Pokedex into her short pocket along with her Pokeballs, "Onwards to the forest of D000M!"

"Char! Char! Char! Char!" cackled the Charmander evilly.

"ZOMGZ I'll wet my pants if there is any creepies," wept Kirsty squeezing her Squirtle into her breasts, earning a delightful squeak from her Pokemon.

"Don't worry; it's not like I'll put any in your pants!" smirked Abbi latching Humpy to her bare pale leg readying themselves for nightfall in the Viridian forest.

"I do worry about them two," sighed Oak turning around and beginning his journey back to his beloved Pallet town whistling to himself.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"What do you have to report?" a gruff voice grumbled.

"Nothing of importance; boss." a high-pitched voice responded.

"Are you sure these are the ones sir?" a much manlier voice asked.

"Yes! Keep an eye on these two..." muttered the gruff voice.

"We will keep tailing them. Even though they were chased by Spearows and bitten by a Rattata."

"Tards," chuckled the manlier voice.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o  
END OF CHAPTER.  
Abbi: Zomgz stick that in your pie!  
Kirsty: MMMM PIE?! Where?!

Abbi:...  
Kirsty: Kirsty love da pie!


	3. It jumped into my pokeball, I swear!

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon. I only own tards.

(3 reasons why you don't give retards Pokemon)

Chapter 3:  
It jumped into my Pokeball, I swear!

Dark clouds suffocated the twinkling stars in the night sky. The moon shone like a newfound penny casting dark long stretching shadows behind every twittering tree. Pokemon rumbled in the trees; sleeping or waiting for the scent of upcoming trainers, prey. Shabby grass tickled against each wild Pokemon's feet while the moon gazed down at this spooky forest. Tents scattered around the creepy forest each holding petrified trainers, trembling at the sounds of the snapping twigs and rustling leaves, their own pokemon snoring lightly paying no attention to the dangerous lurkings in these woods.

This was the

**Viridian Forest! **

"Mummy!"

"Please remove your hands from my breasts, Kirsty."

"Oops!"

Kirsty clung to Abbi's arm rubbing her nose on her shoulder, closing her eyes shut tightly while Squirtle dragged behind with Charmander who was singing to himself. Abbi sighed, kicking blades of grass as they followed the winding grass in the Viridian forest. Night had fallen; but neither trainer felt like stopping in these woods, not with the glaring bug pokemon in every patch of grass.

"Abbi... you got any food?" Kirsty stomach rumbled like a charging Electrabuzz.

"WHAT!? Your the one who is carrying the food, dumb ass."

"I kinda ate it all... with the heart break from the little boy in the straw hat... I miss him... do you miss his Weedle, Ashie-poo?"

Squirtle nodded and sighed while Charmander began to rub his shiny light blue skull. Squirtle sighed a deeper sigh and growled towards the laughing Charmander who was now swaying his lighten tail around madly.

"Soo... we haven't got any food?"

"Yup!" smiled Kirsty, "maybe we could go ba-"

Abbi swiftly picked up a crawling Caterpie near her blacken boots and slung it face first into Kirsty's open mouth. Kirsty's bum collided with the muddy floor with a Caterpie wiggling to escape its death. Squirtle rushed over, pulled the abnormally large Caterpie out of Kirsty's mouth, throwing the petrified Caterpie to the floor then snuggling into his master's breast.

"GO BACK!?"

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT! THAT COULD OF HURT ME! Even thought it looks terribly tasty like a hot dog..."

"Your an idiot," sighed Abbi, "I'll go find some berries, come on Humpy lets leave Krusty-burger to think about MacDonalds and other tasty treats she might want to buy at a store, if we had the money."

Abbi skipped towards an enclosed tree surrounding area covered with untrimmed bushes full of sleeping pokemon. Humpy gleefully attached to her leg, nuzzling it like a small child would nuzzle a teddy bear.

"Did I do something wrong?" Kirsty quizzed picking herself up off the ground.

"Squirt," sighed Ash "Squirtle..."

0o0o0

Unexpectedly in a nearby bush laid two binoculars behind them. Six pairs of beady eyes.

"I can't believe the boss made us tail these two!"

"Yeah! I know he collects rare-ish pokemon, but a Charmander and Squirtle? Can't he get them anywhere else than these two?!"

"The twerp used to have a Charmander and Squirtle,"

"Mum and Dad told us that story a million times, Meowth!"

"Yeah! About how they used to follow the new pokemon master Ash around like lost puppies..."

"Just don't do the same things me and your parents used to do in our youth," purred Meowth.

0o0o0o0

Abbi snatched handfuls of berries and placed them in Charmander's wide-open hands. Blue, black and green berries littered the small paws. Abbi looked up to the night sky and sighed.

"Pretty ladies, shouldn't sigh," smirked a pink haired boy, "especially when their is a handsome man around to take care of them."

Abbi glared towards the stranger who emerged from the bushes in a black uniform with a pink R stamped across his chest, the uniform was obviously too big for him and his hair was hung high in a pony tail, his eye's twinkled with mystery.

"You look about ten!"

"I'm actually 12 on the 4th of December, would you buy me a present, dumpling?"

"If I could hand you a bomb... then yes."

"Char!" growled Humpy dropping the berries to the ground, jumping in front of his master and swinging his tail, ready for a fight.

"What a cute little Charmander! I'll swap you a Magickarp for it!"

"Oh, please Magickarp are retard all they ever do is flop around, then flop around a little bit more and maybe make a good meal. But that's about it, Martha."

"Did you just call me Martha!?" growled the boy "My name is Jamie! I'm apart of the greatest team in the world, TEAM ROCKET! And I'm here to take that little Charmander of yours."

"Oh deary me... you're gonna fight me aren't you? How about I just smack you around with a stick or something... that would be a lot funnier," smirked Abbi reaching for the nearest branch until Jamie threw out his Pokeball to reveal a Zubat in mid-air.

"LOL! That pokemon is well ugly!" laughed Abbi clutching her stomach, "please tell me your not trying to make me laugh to death with an ugly contest or something. You'd win with that hair cut and that tin opener mouth of a pokemon!"

Humpy laughed equally as hard while Jamie's veins began to stand out on his forehead with pure anger!

"You woman; are evil... evil I say and your dress sense is like a clown on a day out down town!"

"HEY! My mum bought me this!"

"Enough of this talking. I'm here for your Charmander. Big nose." smirked Jamie.

"BIG NOSE?! IT'S JUST A LITTLE ON THE BUMPY SIDE. It's because I once ran into a tree and got an ice cream cone stuck to my nose... BUT YOU DIE NOW FOR INSULTING MY GODDESS LIKE BEAUTY!" shrieked Abbi.

"Zubat... bite!"

With that Zubat swept towards the Charmander, sinking its teeth around the Charmander's head. Humpy began to run around; blinded from the Zubat being enclosed around the whole of its head.

"CHARRRR!" screamed the small Charmander wailing its arms around madly.

"O no, you didn't! Charmander, use ember to burn the inside of this ugly tin openers mouth!"

Charmander blew out a mighty ember, forcing the Zubat to unlock its fangs from the Charmander's head, making the Zubat fumble to the ground. Charmander's head was blackened while the Zubat cried in pain.

"Now Charmander, let this Zubat bite the dust! Scratch attack; make sure you scratch an H for Humpy in the back of his head! ZORRO STYLE!"

"Zubat! Quick get up and fly!" urged Jack.

Unable to fly away while its mouth was still burning from the ember attack, Humpy neatly scratched a giant H on the back of the Zubat's head, making the Zubat twitched and faint at the same time.

"O YEAH! CHARMANDER IS HOT!" yelled Abbi, "In your face, girly boy!"

Jamie returned his Zubat with a smirk, running towards the Charmander's dancing in delight figure and sweeping him into a brown sack; dashing off down a croaked dirt path with a smirk on his face.

"Seeya later; hot stuff."

Abbi stunned from what had just happened stopped from whooping with joy, turned towards the disappearing figure, mouth slightly agape.

"Did he-he just-what the-Humpy?"

"HE JUST JACKED MY CHARMANDER!" yelled Abbi following in suit of the team rocket member.

0o0o0o0

"Repeat after me Squirtle... Jesus lived for us and died for us."

"Squirt… squirtle… squirt!" smiled the Squirtle clapping in glee.

"What a cute little Squirtle!" cooed a short blue haired girl "Are you teaching it about, Jesus?"

"Why yes!" Kirsty answered smugly, "This is Ash! He likes boobies!"

"SQUIRTLE!" Ash leaped into the stranger's boobies, rubbing his head deeply into them both, sighing with pleasure.

"AHHH!" the short blue haired screamed falling down to the ground with a thump, "THAT IS VILE! If my mother could see your pokemon she would make it beg for mercy at her feet! The alm-".

"Hey! Is that an R on your t-shirt?" questioned Kirsty.

"Why yes it is! I'm apart of an organisation called Team Rocket... The uniform is usually black, but they didn't have my size so I had to borrow my mother's old uniform... its very comfortable and brings out my dazzling eyes, don't cha think?"

"HOLY POKEMON. Ash Ketchum battled baddies like you! Team Rocket are evil like AshxMay shippers!" squeaked Kirsty pulling her Squirtle into her own breasts, "What do you want you... man!"

"I'M A WOMAN! This hair cut is all the range nowadays! But seen as you wear yellow tights...then I guess you don't know what fashion is!"

"I so do! AshxMisty tops never go out of style like Croc shoes!"

"... Whatever... I'm here to collect that little Squirtle of yours!"

"Not Ashie-poo!" cried Kirsty.

With that the Rocket member flung out a pokeball revealing a Clefairy.

"Wow... so kawaii!" Kirsty was dazzled by the small pokemon's cuteness.

"Squirt!" growled Ash unfazed by the cuteness of the pokemon.

"Clefairy, pound!"

Clefairy landed a clean punch on the Squirtle's inside of the shell, knocking it backwards.

"It's even so cute when it punches, Ashie-poo!" Kirsty smiled lopsided clasping her hands together in delight.

Ash sighed letting out a stream of bubbles from its open mouth, missing the Clefairy completely. Clefairy smiled and rested another pound, this time on the Squirtle's head forcing the Squirtle to stumble.

"Awww... your Squirtle is losing... I bet my mother won your little idol Ash Ketchum all the time!" cooed the team rocket member, "I bet he used to cry like a little weeping willow without any food!"

"SAY WHA- Ash tackle that whale's pokemon!"

Clefairy couldn't dodge the oncoming tackle as it fell to the floor, only to stand up to receive another swift tackle to its behind causing the Clefairy to pant heavily with cuts and bruises on its pale pink skin. Squirtle equally tired and bruised.

"Seems both our pokemon are quite similar levels," smirked the blue haired girl returning her Clefairy, "How about I just snatch your pesky Squirtle!"

"Jasmine!" squeaked Jamie rushing through a thorn bush; Charmander wiggling inside to be free, "One of them tards was following me! I think I shook her off by diving into that bush! Lets get out of here!"

"Shut up Jamie, we need to take care of, Missus Ketchum here," smirked Jasmine reaching for a second pokeball, "your done for!"

"Eeek! Where is Abbi?!" yelled Kirsty falling to her knees.

0o0o0o0o0

Abbi panted as she clutched onto a nearby rock; she was out of breath running after that slim ball of Team Rocket. She unbuckled her black boots and rubbed her feet genteelly; her eyes scanning the woods for a glimpse of that scum.

"My poor baby feet," cried Abbi, "they might turn out like mushrooms. All soggy and dome like."

"Pika?" surprisingly a curious Pikachu stood on top of the rock sniffing Abbi's hands questioning what it was.

Abbi turned her head slowly and sneered at the Pikachu.

"You look like Kirsty..."

"Pika?"

"Pika back to you... I bet you're swearing at me or admiring my good looks, yes?" smirked Abbi

"Chu?"

"Are you mentally retarded... was you dropped on your head little Pikachu... I was too... into a fish tank as well."

"Pika!"

"Ahh so you was!"

"Pika! Pika! Pika!" quickly the Pikachu ran the full length of Abbi's arm and perched himself on top of her head. Nuzzling his bottom and tail into the silk smoothness of her bouncy blonde hair.

"Please tell me your not going to the poo department on my head," cried Abbi.

"Pika..." sighed the Pikachu dreamily.

"Mmmm... You want to be my furry little hat? Well done! I give you seven out of ten... you might raise my hot appeal even more!" cried Abbi slipping her black boots back onto her tiny feet and buckling them up.

"I wonder if pokemon realise that their always naked..." sighed Abbi.

A distance scream of Kirsty echoed into Abbi's eardrums. Abbi quickly turned towards the scream and setting of gallantly down a worn out grass path towards the sound. Pikachu scrambled quickly on top of Abbi's head and held tightly onto her hair.

"If I go bald... I blame you! Pikachu! Don't you worry, I know where you live and where your family lives and yes I do own a bomb factory so I'd be very careful if I was you!" yelled Abbi climbing over a thorn bush.

"Pika! Pika!" cried the Pikachu as it swirled around on top of Abbi's head, wagging its tail in confusion.

Abbi tumbled forward and landed on her back right next to Kirsty, who was picking her nose while crying about her fainted Squirtle. A giant Kingler had picked up Squirtle in its giant jaw crushing pincer, crushing Squirtle's shell a bit while scurrying towards his trainer.

"Mother... I have decided to become Britney Spears," cried a confused Abbi, "I'll protect the poisoned hamsters with my giant pin-pong ball of justice!"

"Abbi!" cried Kirsty her finger still stuck up her nose, "They've got Ashie-poo! Quick use Humpy! And were the heck is the food you was going to get me! I'm still very hungry you know, it has been good few hours since I last ate!"

"Yes, we finally won a mission, Jasmine!" cried Jamie tightening his grip on the flameproof sack that held Humpy the Charmander.

"Don't say that Jamie! It makes us look like noobs! YES, we have won many pokemon like this before, you two retard pokemon trainers! I feel quite sorry for your pokemon for having to put up with you!" cried Jasmine with an identical laugh to Jessie.

"Pika?" cried the Pikachu who scurried onto Abbi's belly sniffing the air.

"A Pikachu!" cired Team rocket, "We must get him as well!"

"Abbi, when did you get a Pikachu! I wanted a Pikachu and a lovely roast dinner and you get me neither you selfless non-Jesus lover!" cried Kirsty while Abbi shook her head still confused from her fall.

"Kingler drop Squirtle and crab hammer the Pikachu!" cried Jasmine.

"Ooo, I should of brought popcorn!" cried Jamie, "This is just like the movies Jasmine, me the handsome loveable rogue and you my ugly sister with no taste who is battling two fair retards for their pokemon!"

Jasmine growled.

Pikachu swiftly dodged the oncoming crab hammer attack; tilted his head while sparks began to fly out of his redden cheeks. Kingler swung another of his giant claws at Pikachu who gracefully dodged and landed on top of Kirsty's head; snuggling down for a quiet nap.

"Ahhh!" cried Kirsty as the Kingler swung his claw towards Kirsty who just dodged the powerful attack with rolling on top of Abbi.

"Abbi wake up! Stop asking for a giant piece of chalk to decode love messages from Hugh Jackman and get your scrawny butt moving!" cried Kirsty rolling off Abbi, Pikachu still attached firmly to Kirsty's head, falling into a light sleep.

"Kingler use bubble beam!"

"AHHH. JESUS I BEEN A GOOD NUN FOR THE 17 YEARS OF MY LIFE WHY IS A GIANT CRAB ATTACKING ME!?" cried Kirsty rolling around on the blades of grass trying to avoid the oncoming bubbles.

"Hold still and let me have that Pikachu!" Jasmine cried.

"BE GONE EVIL ROCKET!" cried a manly voice.

0o0o0o0

A large plump man jumped down from a low branch, caped in tight leather black trousers with an open buttoned shirt to show off his hairy chest and portly figure to the rest of the world. A large towel was tied around his neck that had white masking tape stuck to it, spelling out the letter K.

"I am the mighty Karlos!" cried the plump man, "unhand these sweet children's pokemon or feel my wrath." Reaching towards his pokemon belt he plucked out two poke balls and threw them neatly in front of him to reveal a Vileplume and an Ivysaur.

"Who ordered the freak in a cape!?" cried Jamie, his fingers loosing on the bag.

"Ooo I did!" cried Kirsty sitting up.

"Thank you, young damsel! Vileplume and Ivysaur vine whip Kingler!"

"Vile!"

"Saur!"

Both pokemon hit the Kingler with direct hits before it had time to react. Kingler fainted dropping the Squirtle to the floor, which rolled feebly towards Karlos's feet, who gently picked up the pokemon.

"Ivysaur. Grab that bag on the other Rocket!" cried Karlos.

Ivysaur nodded and obeyed, snatching the wiggling bag away from the rocket who protested by screaming and hiding behind his twin sister, Jasmine. Jasmine grunted and returned her fainted Kingler.

"You haven't seen the last of us two!" cried Jasmine, " Without this freak in a cape you would of been mince meat!"

"Yes! Even beans on toast," cried Jamie as they both scattered off into the distance.

"Thank you!" cried Kirsty bowing down to the masked man.

"It's ok Kirsty! As long as you baby-sit for me and Nicole some time!" smirked Karlos returning his two grass pokemon.

"Uncle Karl?"

"NO ITS KARLOS!" cried Karlos, "Its my superhero name! I cannot let your blonde friend know its me in this mask!" Karl pointed to the still confused Abbi who was tottering to her feet.

Karlos handed Kirsty her fainted Squirtle that she instantly returned into his pokeball.

"I must be off now young one! Can I ask before I go? Vileplume has a bit of an itch Kirsty, do you know any good medicine that can stop it?"

"Rumple tumble bum cream!" Kirsty smiled, "It stopped my itch ages ago!"

"Thank you dear, damsel! I shall return to my sweet cookie lips and munch on a wonderful pot roast she has left me while I search the woods for hooligans who are disrupting the peace!"

"Thanks, Mister Karlos!" waved Kirsty.

"In the morning Nicole and me will be waiting for you when you head out of this forest! Nice Pikachu by the way," with that Karlos departed into the night, his cape swirling in the night sky.

"Pika?" Pikachu arose from a sleepy daze.

"A whole lot of good you were! Even though your mega kawaii!" cried Kirsty, "I think you should be apart of my wonderful pokemon team! The tribute to Ash Ketchum team!" cried Kirsty untangling the wiggling brown bag.

"Char!" cried Humpy marching towards his Trainer who had just shaken off her confusion.

"Humpy! My sweet little bumble bee! How did you get out!? I was just thinking about eating a bar of soap!" cried Abbi scooping her Charmander into her arms.

"Abbi! Where the hell are my berries?! I don't care that your Charmander got kidnapped and you got confused with a fall from a thorn bush! You dropped the berries and I'm still hungry!" cired Kirsty holding her belly.

Abbi gave a quick slap onto Kirsty's forehead.

"Pika?" Pikachu jumped down from Kirsty's head and jumped onto Abbi's shoulder; nuzzling into the crook of Abbi's neck. Little sparks flying out of his cheeks with happiness as he yawned.

"And I so wanted a Pikachu! And you nabbed one!" cried Kirsty "Have you caught it yet?"

"No... Why would I want a stupid Pikachu!"

"Chu!" angered the Pikachu as he crawled down Abbi's body towards her pockets.

"Awwh look how cute it is!" cooed Kirsty, "Not as cute as my little Ashie-poo though."

With a rumbled of its tail, the Pikachu carefully flung a pokeball out of Abbi's pocket, which landed on the floor, making it extend in size. Pikachu gladly jumped down towards the pokeball and sniffed it.

Instantly a red light appeared as the Pikachu was sucked into the pokeball. No struggle was made in the pokeball as the pokeball gave off a loud ding.

Abbi had unwillingly caught a Pikachu!

"WHA?!" Abbi and Kirsty cried in unison.

"Char!" growled Charmander; not liking the idea of sharing his trainer with this Pikachu.

Kirsty growled and sneered at Abbi.

"It jumped into my pokeball, I swear!" cried Abbi.

o0o0o0o0o0  
**Abbi: Rolfo at Karlos  
Kirsty: -glare-  
Abbi: Rolfo he looks like you  
Kirsty; -glare-  
Abbi; Rolfo he talks like you  
Kirsty: I WANTED A PIKACHU!**

**Next chapter! We meet Kirsty's uncle and auntie as Abbi and Kirsty attempted to win a gym battle by double battling!**


	4. Uncle Karl Is Da Man!

Disclaimer: LOL I own Uncle Karl, yes! I don't own da pokemon though XoX. I love this story *cuddles self* rolf xD. I'm surprised people actually reads it though xD

(4 reasons why you don't give retards Pokemon.)

* * *

**Chapter 4:**  
Uncle Karl Is Da Man!

* * *

"Are you mad at me, Krusty?"

"Growls."

"Why?"

"Growls."

Abbi and Kirsty had finished their long tiring journey to the end of the Viridian forest, they hadn't slept a wink while in the darken forest. They had decided to carry on to the end of the forest even though they were drained, hungry and starting to smell. Pewter city lay beneath their feet as they stopped on a hill, gazing deeply into Pewter city. The sun shone onto the small town giving it a godly sparkle. Abbi and Kirsty both sighed with relief. In this town laid their first gym badge! Their first tag-team battle with a trainer. The gym stood out a mile away, gleaming with all its gym ness beauty, beholding the famous rock-pokemon trainer; BROCK.

"Kirsty! Is mister I have no eyes going to battle us?"

"Growls."

"HEY! I thought you would be happier, didn't he travel with Ash whatshisface."

"My lovely Ash Ketchum," sighed Kirsty, dreamily.

"Kirsty," called a portly man, "over here Kirsty!"

Kirsty gazed over towards the voice to see her uncle Karl, also known as mighty Karlos the helper of the weak in the Viridian forest. Behind him his wife, Nicole and their four children beamed dazzling smiles to the duo.

"Holy shit," cried Abbi, "not your family! Anything but your family! O Jesus is that? It is isn't it?"

"Yup! It's Eli!" smiled Kirsty manically.

"GOD NO!" cried Abbi falling to her knees.

"It's all karma you know Abbi! You do bad things like get a pikachu that your best friend wants then you get glomped by things you dislike!" sang Kirsty.

Uncle Karl waved Kirsty and Abbi towards them. Kirsty grabbed a hold of Abbi's boney wrist and dragged her towards a devilish nine year old. Humpy growled in dislike as his owner was glomped by a nine-year old boy.

"Char!" growled Humpy, unheard by the god squad.

"Abbi," cried Eli, "I have missed you my darling wife! When will you next be sleeping in my bed? Maybe we can play legend of Zelda together!"

"Ahhh," cried Abbi toppling onto the ground, "get off me!"

"How was your journey so far, Kirsty?" politely asked Nicole.

"It's been ok! Me and Abbi were nearly done for but Uncle K-"

Uncle Karl coughed loudly giving Kirsty a stern look. Kirsty shook her head and gave him a sorry glance.

"What was that, dear?" asked Nicole.

"O nothing. I think I ate too many brownies or something…do you have any bacon at your house?" Kirsty's eyes gleamed.

"Of course!" interrupted Uncle Karl, "we always have some bacon on the pan just for you!"

"Help me," muttered Abbi weakly, "I'm dying a painful glomping death!"

"Charrrr!" Humpy once again growled at the nine-year old boy attached to his trainer, warning him to lay off her beloved body.

"Eli!" scolded Eva, his older sister, "leave Abbi alone."

Eli jump hastily from Abbi's neck with a sad frown on his face. He didn't wish to feel his sister's fist in his face once again.

"Bless you!" uttered Abbi as Humpy held onto her leg sticking his tongue out to Eli with a smug smirk.

"She would rather me hang off her!" giggled Eva jumping onto Abbi's fragile neck.

"DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL! GOD SQUAD," cried Abbi, "I say damn you once again!"

Eli took this as an invite to swing onto Abbi's waist. Abbi was buried in children as Humpy began to panic swishing his tail around in defeat like a white flag.

"Do you think Abbi is ok?" asked Nicole, her brow wrinkled in worry.

"She will be fine!" smiled Kirsty, "so about this bacon?"

"It's mighty fine bacon! Come to our home!" cried Karl walking down the grass hill, towards a small cottage on the outskirts of the Viridian city.

"Did you get a new roof?" asked Kirsty looking at the shiny black roof.

"Yes," sighed Nicole, "Eli set fire to the straw roof."

"I'm also taking guitar lessons as well, Kirsty! Do you wish to here my new song it's called Born to be sexy!"

"Sure!" giggled Kirsty as Nicole, Karl and Kirsty along with the two babies held in Nicole's arms walked towards the small cottage.

"Help!" croaked Abbi, "I hate kids."

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"I RUN THESE OLD SHOES DOWN TO JESUS AND HE SAYS KARL, YOU WAS BORN TO BE SEXY!" sang Uncle Karl, drumming his electric guitar.

"When will the pain stop!" cried Abbi, holding her ears.

Nicole smiled placing down bacon sandwiches in front of Kirsty. Kirsty dived into the sandwich shredding the dead pig in her mouth.

"Kirsty," stated Eli, "you keep on getting fatter, yet your boobs are really really small!"

Eva giggled.

"Thanks," growled Kirsty, scoffing down more dead pig with bun.

"SO I SAY JESUS! LET ME PRAY TO YOU FOR MY GOOD-LOOKS AND POKEMON TALENTTTTTT" cried Karl.

"Well done," Nicole clapped.

"Thank you, pork chop" as Karl gave his wife a peck on the cheek, "so you're both trainers! At last! I never thought I would see the day, I was nearly going to give your present to the homeless shelter, Kirsty."

"Present?"

"I know how much you like Oddish…"

"YOU GOT ME AN ODDISH?!?" shrieked Kirsty, "UNCLE KARL YOU ARE DA MAN!"

"Calm down," Karl replied, "this little oddish isn't the brightest of the bunch though…"

"Is it like mentally retarded?" laughed Abbi.

"I bet it's wonderful," glared Kirsty, "stupid Abbi getting a pikachu!"

"O Abbi! Have you caught a pikachu?" asked Nicole delightfully.

"Well, I didn't mean to catch it, it just fell into my poke ball!" cried Abbi.

"Can we see!" asked Eli, his little eyes lighting up.

"Daddy never caught a pikachu!" cheered Eva.

Abbi flung out her poke ball to reveal a sleeping Pikachu. His ears picked up towards the coos and awes of Kirsty's family.

"Pika?" it asked confused, turning its head to a quiet Humpy.

"Char…" sighed Humpy.

Eva and Eli quickly dived for the tired Pikachu cuddling it in both of their arms until the pokemon gave out a squeak.

"That reminds me," Kirsty glared towards the pikachu she wanted, "My poor little Ashie-poo got K.O. in battle, can you heal him with your machine please, Uncle Karl?"

"Certainly," smiled Uncle Karl, "for a fee."

"How much?"

"Fifty pounds."

"What?!?!"

"You still owe me for that projector," grumbled Karl, "I could buy a nice blue guitar with that!"

"Just let it go, hunni." Nicole cooed, taking Kirsty's poke-ball to another room to heal.

"You're going to need your strength for the new gym leader!" Eli laughed, "Eva couldn't beat him!"

"Shut up, Eli!" Eva gave Eli a swift punch to the shins.

"So that's why you're still here then, Eva?" asked Abbi.

Eva had reached ten six months ago and even received her starting pokemon: her fathers old Tangela.

"I can't seem to beat him, he is unstoppable," Eva stomped her foot, "he is also a ninja."

"What happened to no eyes?" asked Abbi.

"Just disappeared, I think he was too famous for this small town," mumbled Uncle Karl, "personally I reckon he is off to help Ash."

"Really," awed Kirsty, "He has gone to help Ash Ketchum? The man of the century! I so wanted Brock's autograph though…what's this new pokemon trainer like Eva?"

"He is a ninja and trains in Mt Moon for ages! I heard he eats rocks for breakfast and when I went up against him he told me to call him the mighty Ryu. His body was covered head to toe of black! Only his eye's stared out! It was freaky, poor Tangy wet herself, didn't you?"

Eva's Tangela: Tangy nodded in agreement.

"He isn't like a Muslim or something Eva?" Abbi asked, "did you try and de-mask him? I would of."

"No, he is a ninja and his pokemon are so strong," whined Eva, cuddling onto Abbi's pikachu, "I hope you beat him, Abbi!"

"Hey!" cried Kirsty, "what about me?"

"O, your just freaky, Kirsty."

"True, true," laughed Abbi, "she once stared at this woman's arse, I think she is turning lesbian."

"Lesbian!?!?" cried Karl, "in the house of god! I must make a song about this!"

"Noo!" blushed Kirsty, "It was only once! And everyone must have done it before, right?"

The room became silent and pikachu let out a soft yawn as it cuddled itself into Eva's arms, Eli stroked its small head. Humpy glared at the pikachu and wafted its tails around the room.

"Anyway," coughed Karl, picking up his guitar, "I'll show you, your new oddish! Any idea what you wish to call it? Maybe, Karlos? Or Mighty Karlos?"

"I was thinking Odd Bod," smiled Kirsty, "Or Jesus!"

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Uncle Karl led the plump teenager into his breeding room, it was full of youthful pokemon, prancing around and playing with one another. A few slept on top of some worn out pillows and others jumped on top of shelves, knocking down important breeding books.

"Still haven't got outside sorted?" asked Kirsty.

"Nope," sighed Karl, "I got so much work on. With completing this new game and my guitar lessons the little garden has been put just above getting Eva a new carpet."

"So which one is mine?" smiled Kirsty, looking at the five oddish's gathered in the corner.

"This one," pointed Uncle Karl, "the one doing aerobics!"

A small oddish stood on her own from the rest, bending her leaves to her toes letting out pants of "od", sweat glittered off the small pokemons body.

"You give me the one who likes to do exercise…the last time I ran was diving for a chocolate brownie when I was three. I nearly had to go to hospital because I got so tired."

Uncle Karl let out a booming laugh and motioned for the oddish to come over who obeyed and ran towards Karl. However, this oddish wasn't very coordinated. The oddish tumbled doing a flip in the air landing flat on it's face in front of Kirsty's flat duck feet.

The oddish let out a tremblous wail.  
"ODDDDDISSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH," it cried.

"Odd, bod!" squeaked Kirsty picking up, her motherly ways kicking in as she picked up the plant like pokemon as she began to cradle it.

"Oddddd," wailed the oddish.

"She is a bit of a wailer," said Uncle Karl, "I think the other pokemon will be glad to get rid of her to be honest, they always glare at when she falls over and cries. She falls over never every minute as well, put me and Nicole right out of the mood, I tell you!"

"Thanks," shuddered Kirsty, "its ok, Odd Bod, I'll show the way of the Ketchum, I'll do your little leaves like Misty's hair!"

"Odd?"

"Yeah! I'll even dye them orange! The ultimate Misty, Oddish! We could enter competitions!"

"Ish!" Oddish wailed in protest, she liked her green leaves.

"Ok, fine," grumbled Kirsty, "I won't, but it's ok. Odd Bod, I'm your new trainer!" giggled Kirsty.

"Odd," the oddish's mouth turned into an ugly frown, this giant ape was going to be her trainer?

"What attacks does she know?" asked Kirsty.

"Absorb."

"And?"

"Well. There not really attacks, but she knows how to ask other pokemon for directions really well," smiled Uncle Karl, "she can stumble great and her crying attack is fab!"

"Damn!" Kirsty growled, "So you gave me the runt?"

"Of course," grinned Uncle Karl, "you still owe me fifty pounds! I wasn't pleased at the time when I chose out your present, you know!"

Kirsty grumbled, holding Odd Bod to her breast as it wailed into her chest for having an ape as a trainer.

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"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard," sang Abbi, splashing around in the Gabbista's bath, "take it away Humpy!"

"Char, char, char!" sang Humpy, "char, char, char."

Humpy sat on the toilet waving around it's tail in rhythm watching his trainer apply shampoo to her dyed pixie blonde hair.

"LALALALALALALA," sang Abbi loudier, "First gym battle tomorrow, Humpy! You ready for it?"

"Char!" roared the Charmander, standing on the toilet holding a toothbrush in it's hand waving it around like a sword.

"You could be the next Zorro!"

"Char! Char!"

"Was that the look you was going for?"

"Mander!"

Abbi laughed, picking up a bar of soap into her hand and washing herself clean. The forest had made her sweaty, dirty and tired and she could feel her emerald eyes drifting off to sleep.

A loud kick of the door handle and the bathroom door shot open, making Abbi jump and making Humpy fall head first into the toilet with a splash.

"Well, hello there," growled Eli, Abbi's pikachu nestled onto his head.

"YOU FUCKING DEMON," cried Abbi throwing a bar of soap at his face, "get out! I sin you to hell! I sin you! I'll rip up your bible! And draw a penis on your Jesus!"

"What's going on!" Eva shouted running into the bathroom, "I heard blasphemy of Jesus Christ Almighty!"

"O, great," sighed Abbi, "have you both come to watch me bath? It is some type of weird Mormon tradition to watch friends of the family bath?"

"Well," started Eli.

"Well, nothing, you little monkey brat," shouted Abbi, "Out! Out! Out! And take my fucking charmander out of the bog!"

"If we get Humpy out of the toilet," started Eli, "can we come in the bath with you?"  
"Yeah!" chanted Eva, picking up an unhappy Humpy, his eyes stung from toilet water.

"CHAR CHAR, MANDER!" growled the Charmander at the two children.

"No way! You're not coming into th-"

Both Eva and Eli had stripped down to their birthday suits and climbed into a protesting Abbi's bath tub. Pikachu climbed in as well placing a warm pink fannel on top of its head, soothing itself to sleep as it floated in the bath water.

"Isn't this fun," giggled Eva, "you're so much fun, Abbi! Isn't this a blast?"

"Brilliant, a blast," grumbled Abbi trying to cover her bits, "don't your parents tell you not to go into another people's baths?"

"We're encouraged! This way Dad gets to buy more games and stuff! Plus Mum and Dad bath together!"

"Please, if there is a god, I'm sorry for that time I pushed that granny over, made them girls cry and did all that mean stuff! I didn't know it was against the law to throw eggs at them old ladies!" pleaded Abbi, placing her bath wrinkled hands together in prayer, "Humpy, are you ok?"

"Char," grumbled Humpy, sulking in the corner.

"Don't worry," smiled Abbi, "we can put worms down Kirsty's pants before we go to sleep."

The charmander gave a wryly smile.

"Why are your boobs so small, Eva?" asked Eli.

"Shut up, Eli," growled Eva splashing him with bath water.

"If this is what Mormonism does too you…," wonder Abbi, "No wonder lots of them are in mental homes."

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"Night, Uncle Karl," waved Kirsty, walking into the spare bedroom clanged in borrowed PJs which said "I love Jesus" scrawled on the butt.

Kirsty stationed herself in front of the computer in the small room, clicking on the internet. She hadn't surfed the web for a day. She was getting withdrawal symptoms.

"Can you live without the computer?" asked Abbi who laid on the double bed, clanged in ten-year old Eva's pjs with giant pigs across them.

"No," giggled Kirsty, beginning to pick her nose while she browsed the student forums.

"You're not even a student."

"I am."

"What of?"

"POKEMON! Look at this thread! Should we give children fake plastic swords?" mumbled Kirsty.

"No," yawned Abbi, placing her head onto the pillow, "we should give them real ones and then set them on one another like monkey cage fighting."

"This sounds like me," faked wailed Kirsty, "My best friend said I can't get a boyfriend because my love handles are the size of melons…"

"That's not true," Humpy curled its body against Abbi's, while pikachu lay on top of Abbi's stomach, "they're the size of cats."

"Have you named your, Pikachu, yet Abbi?" asked Kirsty with venom in her voice.

"I was thinking of calling it, Fucktard," laughed Abbi, "then I realized that is cruel, so I have settled for Lemon."

"Why Lemon?"

"It's yellow," smiled Abbi, "like a lemon!"

"You idiot," grumbled Kirsty, "We will get laughed at! And we have a big gym battle tomorrow; I hope he isn't too scary! I only have one pair of knickers!"

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	5. IMMA NINJA

(5 reasons why you don't give retards Pokemon.)

Chapter 5:  
_IMMA NINJA!_

"Abbi, Kirsty," Nicole whispered, "It's time to wake up! Its morning, your pokemon are all awake, except…well…you know…your pikachu, Abbi."

"Sawyer, take me to your island," mumbled Kirsty, "yes, we can get lost in your island…"

Nicole placed her slender hand onto Kirsty's shoulder shaking it lightly. Kirsty's eyes awoke, sniffling and yawning she got out of bed.

"Back to bed…" groaned Kirsty, "please, I dreamt I was in lost…with Sawyer."

"That's nice," smiled Nicole, floating out of the room with a carefree smile, "it's your big gym battle today…"

"Abbi! Get up," groaned Kirsty, rolling over Abbi's fragile body like a steam roller. Abbi's response was punching Kirsty in the face, she was unaffected.

"Fuck off, you dick," Abbi sniffed, "you're squeezing my ovaries. I shall never produce eggs ever again."

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The sun blazed deep onto the skin of the duo. Dragging their bodies through Pewter city, walking passed friendly faces with a smile on their faces, flowers swaying in the gentle breeze.

"Why is everyone so happy," grumbled Abbi, "it's fucking eleven in the morning, I only register at one."

"Charrrr!" Humpy, clung to Abbi's leg.

"Yes, I know, it's abnormal!"

"I'm so glad to have you back," squeaked Kirsty kissing Ashie-poo's blue skull, the squirtle smiled happily back in its owners arms.

"Squirt," Ash placed his skull into Kirsty's bust, he smiled with joy.

"That is like beastality," commented Abbi.

"You can't feel the love between me and Ashie-poo," Kirsty shook her fist, "we share a deep trainer and pokemon bond, we're one like the lion king! Except human and pokemon."

"Charr," Humpy laughed along with Abbi at the two retards.

Both trainers came to a stop. A towering gym stood before them, the original gym seemed long gone as the new one in place was certainly different. The gym was a huge, dark, ghostly looking tower. Covered with smashed windows, splintered wood and cobwebs.

"I miss, Brocks gym," whispered Kirsty, "this gym gives me the creepies, not the good kind, the bad kind that makes me want to dig up graves."

"Stop being a baby," yawned Abbi, walking up the creaking stairs, "nothing to be afraid of! Just a big tower to make people like you shit their kegs!"

"Abbi! What if there are you know, Jahovist witness waiting their to convert me into their religion! Or people who don't respect Sawyers hotness in lost! Terrible, terrible people," Kirsty whispered eerily, "what if there are Hugh Jackman haters? What will you do then?"

"Pull out a machete? Humpy will take care of them," smiled Abbi, earning a quick thrust from the pleased and praised charmander.

"Squirt…" worried the squirtle, "squirtle." He did not like the look of the building either much like his trainer, clinging onto her famous AshxMisty top.

Both trainers entered the spooky gym, the walls were painted black like the night sky. The floor a solid marble black. Deserted room with just a pair of solid blue crystal glared back at the duo.

"Bloody hell! It's fucking Bradford in here!" said Abbi, "Hello! You! Mister floating eyes turn on the lights! I can't see a fucking thing! Yes, I am wearing glasses before you say something like, get some glasses then."

"Floating eyes?!?! That is freaky," shivered Kirsty.

"Squirrttt," the squirted shivered equally as much.

"Evening," spoke the floating eyes, "I shall turn on the lights if that is what you wish young trainers."

"Wow…what a hot voice," giggled Kirsty, smoothing down her wispy brown hair, "maybe he looks like Sawyer under all that black."

"Oh, Please!" replied Abbi, "it's obvious why he wears a mask!"

"Why?"

"He is fucktard, ugly!"

"Don't insult him! He might get mad," whimpered Kirsty, "kick our butts to tim buck two!"

"He couldn't kick your arse across the street," snorted Abbi, earning a laugh from the troublesome charmander.

The lights flickered on to reveal the ninja gym leader, sat cross legged on the floor, his body covered head to toe in black, only his eyes visible for these trainers.

"Is it true you eat rocks?" asked Abbi.

"No," laughed the gym leader, "Anymore questions, young one?"

"Do you like black?"

"Yes."

"Do you know the ninja dance?"

"The what?"

"You know the ninja dance," started Abbi, "were you dance with a ninja and go IMMA NINJA, YEAH, IMMA A NINJA."

"I don't think I do," he pondered, "nor have I tried it before."

"Do you believe in Jesus!" piped up Kirsty.

"Heavens, no."

"Whaaa…" wailed Kirsty, "Jesus is my homeboy!"

"That's enough, questions! My name is Ryu-Onii I am the black ninja of the night! I have taken over the Pewter city gym from the legend of Brock! I have only been beaten once! Fear my power," laughed Ryu.

"O….k," whistled Abbi, "it's nice to meet you Ryu, don't you think you should reveal the true gym leader and get back to the nursing home?"

"You mock me, bimbo?" stated Ryu.

Humpy let out a trembling growl towards the ninja. Holding a pink tooth brush in his paws which he kept in Abbi's stripy socks. Humpy waved the toothbrush in a threatening manner.

"What a dumb, little Charmander," smirked Ryu.

"How dare you!" growled Abbi, "my Humpy has an IQ of 50!"

"Char!" agreed the Charmander.

"Abbi," sighed Kirsty, "that isn't a good IQ."

"Really?" asked Abbi surprised, "so why is mine 34?"

Kirsty slapped her forehead with her hand: face palm.

"Less of the insults," began Ryu, "lets begin the battle, it shall be a double battle, and you both use two pokemon each together!"

"Ok," nodded Abbi and Kirsty together; determination in their eyes.

"I choose you, Growlithe and Vulpix!" summoned the gym leader, he threw both poke-balls to the hardly noticeable drawn out area, two pokemon awoke from a slumber.

A small disciplined, Growlithe emerged from the streaking light, he stood perfectly still in an upright position. A black ban dander was tied across the neck with the words Ryu scrawled in white.

A smaller elegant Vulpix floated from the bright light to stand in a fighting stance. A black ban dander was tied across the right front paw of the female Vulpix.

"Make your choice," laughed Ryu, "make it snappy and wise."

"What the hell have they got on?!" yelled Abbi, "Are they in some form of gang?"

"The AshxMisty crew? We currently have two members! Me and Ashie-poo," squeaked Kirsty, tickling her Squirtles under belly.

"No, you foolish children! They are apart of the Ninja community that lurks in the shadows of this town."

"Well, isn't that obvious!" barked Abbi.

"Choose, your pokemon, await your fate."

Huddling together Abbi and Kirsty decided on their best options. With a signal from one another, Ashie-poo stepped up to the plate. An obvious choice being a water-type, an upper hand on both the fire-types. Abbi lazily threw Lemon's poke ball in, to reveal it snoozing loudly.

"Shall we begin?"

The duo nodded.

"Growlithe, tackle the Squirtle," commanded Ryu, "Vulpix quick attack that Pikachu!"

Both pokemon obeyed silently, the Growlithe racing towards Ashie-poo a gleaming look of vicious in its eyes, pounding its skull straight into the Squirtles shell.

"Ashie-poo!" cried Kirsty, "give that Growlithe a taste of its own medicine! Bubble!"

Ashie-poo jumped back from the straight-on tackle letting out streams of bubbles towards the Growlithe who gracefully dodged.

"Squirrtttlee!" squeaked the Squirtle, angrily, shaking it small paws.

"Ashie-poo, do it again, this time with more feeling! Give it more power! Like Ash Ketchum would!"

The Squirtle ran towards the Growlithe, streaming bubbles towards its form, watching it dodge every bubble, letting the bubbles burst on the gleaming black floor of the gym.

Ryu let out a mighty laugh.

"Your pokemon is too slow to ever catch my Growlithe," smirked Ryu, "it's just a little flea compared to my mighty Growlithe."

"Growl, growl," laughed the Growlithe.

"What a hot voice…" sighed Kirsty.

"SNAPP OUT OF ITT WOMAN, WE'RE BATTLING FOR WOMEN AND CHILDREN HERE!" cried Abbi.

Abbi watched the Vulpix a number of times trying to lay a perfect quick attack on the lazy Pikachu. However, every time the Vulpix got close to the Pikachu it would just move slightly so the Vulpix would slide passed.

"Good work, lemon ball!" cheered Abbi, " Thunder shock that Vulpix, hard all the way to Africa!"

Lemon just tilted its head towards its blonde trainer, yawning and curling into a bright yellow ball in the middle of the arena.

"What the fuck…" an astonished Abbi blinked in amazement at the Pikachu, "you little brat! If you don't do something right now! God help me! I will make you into Pikachu meat and Humpy will eat you, WHOLE!"

"Charrr" smirked Humpy, pulling out a small knife and fork with a hand chief around its neck to show its eagerness to eat the Pikachu.

Ryu let out another booming laugh.

"Your pokemon obviously doesn't respect your leadership, novice trainer," Ryu looked down on both trainers, "it seems you caught yourself a rather strong Pikachu who won't listen to your commands unless you gain badges to show your worthiness."

"Who do you think you are? Huh? Jeremy Kyle? Do I look like someone who needs your help?" growled Abbi.

Ryu just smirked.

"Vulpix, Ember," smirked Ryu, "Growlithe, bite."

"Right, Ashie-poo, remember to dodge!"

"Squirt! Squirt!" the Squirtle nodded, the Growlithe charged across the arena floor once again, heading straight for Ashie-poo.

The Growlithe charged into the Squirtle who quickly leapt, matrix style, side ways. The Growlithe changed direction almost instantly catching the leaping Squirtle off guard. Growlithe clamped it's teeth onto the Squirtle's head.

"SQUIRTLEEEEEEEE," yelped the Squirtle running around the arena with a Growlithe clamped upon its skull.

"Ashie-poo," squeaked Kirsty, teary eyed, "baby, I'll get you out of this, use water gun straight above yourself like the fountain of youth!"

The squirtle complied, water streamed from its mouth, splashing the Growlithe who howled as the water splashed its fur.

Slight concern flashed upon Ryu's blue eyes.

"Growlith, unhook yourself from that Squirtle."

Growlithe instantly let go, slightly dazzled by amount of water that had covered its clean dog-like coat.

Ashie-poo rubbed its blue skull, feeling dints in its head.

"Squirtleee.." it blubbered.

"It's ok, Ashie-poo!" soothed Kirsty, "I'll always love you even if you have a dented head!"

"Squirtlee…" it blubbered once more.

"Plus it give you the sort of lone warrior look," winked Kirsty, "all the ladies love that look!"

"Squirtle!" piped the Squirtle with joy, it liked the ladies.

"No, they don't," whispered Abbi, "only you do and you like little kids as well…"

"Don't remind me of straw hat boy," a teary-eyed Kirsty reminisced, "he was so hot, but I think this Ryu might be…his voice makes me want to rawr on the kitchen on the floor…"

"Do you both know how to battle!" snapped Ryu, "Idiots! Pure idiots! Concentrate on the battle not on bloody Ashlee Simpson!"

It was obvious why Ryu had become stressy, annoyed and aggravated. His Vulpix couldn't land any flames on the quick Pikachu, who would yawn in the Vulpix's face when it came close to the Pikachu's form.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist," smiled Abbi, her face lighting up, "go eat a banana or something…"

"Get your Pikachu to stay fucking still!" growled Ryu, watching his Vulpix beginning to tired from multiple attacks of Ember.

"Lemon-pie!" growled Abbi.

The Pikachu cocked its head to the side, gazing at the panting Vulpix.

"Lemon-pie! I want you right now! I mean it! Or I will kick your arse! I want you to fucking thunder shock this little foxy bitch to hell!"

Lemon-pie yawned, looking at Ashie-poo who was now, running away from a Growlithe who was snapping at the Squirtle's heels.

"Run, fat boy, run," called Abbi, snickering along with Humpy, which earned a glare from Kirsty, "Lemon-pie! Fucking do what I say!"

Abbi produced the pink tooth brush from her odd socks, dodgily throwing it at her Pikachu, watching it rebound off its head.

The Pikachu's ear twitched in annoyance, glaring at the tooth brush. Instantly Lemon-pie let out an earth quaking thunder-shock onto the panting Vulpix, the Vulpix couldn't dodge the massive amounts of electricity pounding from the small mouse's body. The Vulpix dazed for a second after the attack fell down to the ground in defeat.

"Vulpix, return," growled Ryu, "first time for everything, I guess."

"Hell yeah, lemon-pie! You beast! You beaut! You amazing thing!" screeched Abbi as the pokemon went back to a soft sleep.

The small Squirtle was beginning to pant; the Growlithe was fast and was grazing the back of the Squirtle's shell with its sharp fangs.

"Take down, Growlithe!" Ryu-onii commanded.

Instantly, the Growlithe struck, Ashie-poo flattened against the black battle arena, yelping and panicking as the Growlithe began to clamp down on the Squirtle's shell.

"ASHIE-POO! Quick! Abbi, do something!"

"What do you want me to do? Jump in the arena myself?"

"Good idea!"

The larger girl grappled with the wriggling blonde, throwing the yelling pale skinned, youth into the arena, her body crashing into the attacking Growlithe.

Ryu-onii's eyes widened with shock. "What the fuck was that?"

"That's it, Abbi, use wrestle attack!"

Abbi peeled herself off the fainted Growlithe, rubbing her back cursing her best friend's idiotic idea. The small Growlithe laid K.O., while the battered and bruised Squirtle ran towards his trainer with tears in his eyes. He was met with a bone crushing boob hug.

"Ashie-poo! You were so brave! You were all mighty like the samurai!"

"Squirt!"

"Yes, I love you too! Hugs and kisses for my favorite boy."

Ashie-poo began to be covered by kisses from the large trainer. Abbi glared towards her best friend, Humpy tottered over to his trainer, inspected she was not hurt badly then proceeded to hump her leg with glee. Singing a small song in Pokeyish, about how much he was she was alive and how worried he was.

"Charrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, CHARRRRRRRRRRRR, CHARRRRRRRR! Mander!" cried Humpy.

"It's ok, Humpy! I'm like rogue from x-men! Amazing!" smirked Abbi, rubbing the back of here back.

Ryu-onii astonished by the act of tom foolery, returned his faint Growlithe with a grumble.

"What the hell was that! That was fucking cheating! What type of tactic was that?"

"Don't ask me!" cried Abbi, "I was the innocence victim of a full on Mormon attack!"

"Well, you was hurting my Ashie-poo!" defened Kirsty, "Poor, Ashie-poo is a small baby, he needs love and care until he is big and strong and even more good-looking to be my husband!"

"SQURITLE!" agreed Ashie-poo.

"Bullshit, woman!" Ryu-onii began, "That was full on cheating, I refuse to give you, this BoulderBadge!"

"What!?!!"

"Char!" growled Humpy.

"Isn't the rules of a gym battle to knock out all the gym leaders pokemon?" asked Abbi.

"Well, yes."

"Then we just did it! Hand over the badge! This is a stick up!" growled Abbi. Kirsty nodded in unison.

Ryu-onii laughed. "You're going to fight me? When you know you blatantly don't deserve this Boulderbadge! Using humans in a pokemon battle is low!"

"Well…we will go as low as low to get that badge!" Kirsty cried.

"You might," retorted Abbi, "but I won't, Jesus!"

"Wait…so throwing humans in a pokemon battle is allowed? Just not heard of? Does it say it in the rule book?" asked Kirsty.

"Well…it's not against the rules," scowled Ryu-onii, "I have trying to enforce it for some time now! I read the rules book every night."

"What a sad little man…" sighed Abbi. Humpy nodded in agreement.

"So we deserve that badge!" Kirsty yelled, stomping towards the masked ninja.

"You have spunk, don't you, girl," smirked Ryu-onii under his mask, "I like spunky girls. Here." Ryu-onii flicked out two Boulderbadges, "Take them."

"You think I have spunk?" marveled Kirsty.

"Now…am I the only one who is thinking of the rude meaning?" laughed Abbi.

Both trainers took their badges from the ninja, who was still annoyed by their idiotic tactics.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside of the gym, Ryu-onii said good-bye to the two retarded trainers, which he had offered to heal their pokemon with his machine. They gladly accepted. Dusk was beginning to settle into Pewter city. The houses were becoming emulated in light, the museum had long-ago closed and a journey still awaited these two 'special' trainers.

"Thank-you for my badge," gushed Kirsty, battering her eyelashes, "Is there anything I could give you?"

Ryu-onii thought this over for a few seconds, looked the plump girl up and down. Shivered at the AshxMisty top and the pokemon braces and gave large shake of the head.

"Can I demask you?" asked Abbi.

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Why not."

"It makes me look a mysterious character."

"It makes you look like an idiot."

"I don't care what others think."

"Keep telling yourself that!"

Humpy laughed. Swishing, his tail towards the gym leader, his paws still attached to his trainers leg.

"Abbi," growled Kirsty, "leave Ryu-onii alone. Even though I think he will be hot without his mask on…your voice…it's so…sexy."

Abbi grabbed Kirsty's arm and tried to drag the love sick teenager away from the black ninja. Without even moving Kirsty an inch, Abbi retorted by setting Kirsty's pants on fire.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed Kirsty.

Kirsty ran onto a nearby patch of grass and began to pat out her flaming butt. Abbi smiled in a job-well done. Charmander giggled and Squirtle went to drizzle water on his trainers butt.

"SAYONARA!" called Abbi.

"MY BUTT IS ON FIRE!" cried Kirsty.

These were the departing words of the two retards to their first gym battle. But is it the last they see of Ryu-onii?

"I hope so!"

"He was so hot," drooled Kirsty, "maybe, he will date me? He was so much hotter than straw hat boy!"


End file.
